Last night I babysat for a couple Eoin knows through his job here. Let me put this out there before I go any further: I’m not a huge baby person. I find some of them cute and some of them fugly. I don’t subscribe to the idea that they’re all amazing but my charge for the night, little Hannah, who I think is around one (she looks about the same age as Kendra Wilkinson’s baby, E! fans) was just adorbs.
Like many Irish girls, I babysat almost every weekend from about the age of 14-17. But since then, and coupled with the fact that I have no siblings, I haven’t really been within spitting distance of a baby. None of my friends have them, I’m not (and never will be) an aunt and I’m definitely not anybody’s godmother. So I was a little nervous, especially when people on Twitter started talking about nappies. I had kinda forgotten babies piss themselves – and worse – a few times a day. Gross.
Because Hannah’s parents were going to a football game (go Cardinals!) I had to feed her, change her and put her to bed. And make sure she didn’t fall out any windows etc. It sounds easy, but for a novice like me it didn’t all run smoothly (through no fault of Hannah’s, I might add). For starters, she did this – I think I’m going to hurl – thing in her nappy. I’ve never seen anything like it. I retched but then put myself in her booties and just got on with the job of cleaning up her little arse. She lay there innocently eating a sock the whole time, acting like poopsplosion isn’t even in her vocabulary.
After putting on her nappy backwards (my life is so like a Hugh Grant film sometimes) I decided now was the best time to put on her little bedtime onesie. As a proud onesie owner myself, I didn’t think this would pose too much of a problem. But it really did. My onesie has a zip and is quite baggy but Hannah’s had buttons and was a snug fit. It took me ages to wrestle her into it. On my third attempt (I had her on my knee) it worked. She must have thought I was retarded.
After some more playtime (reading books, eating pens etc) she started showing signs of tiredness. Let me tell you, babies should work on being less obvious. She was rubbing her eyes and everything. So I gave her a nice warm bottle and then scooped her up and put her in her cot. After turning on her musical mobile yoke, and giving her her soother, I left her lying there happily. Not a peep out of her for the rest of the night. Very good baby.
And then I got to play with Lionel, the family pug, until Hannah’s parents came home. Couldn’t you just eat him?